Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Happy Birthday Santa

It is December first, which leaves only 24 shopping days till Christmas, and means get ready for a cavalcade of Christmas TV specials. Rudolph, The Grinch, and Home Alone all hold special places in our hearts, but there are a dark, David Lynch-esque terrors creeping through such holiday films. So I've decided to list the Top 5 Creepiest Characters of Christmas Film & Folklore.

#5. The Bumble
Now I know what you're saying, "but the Bumble turns out to be good at the end of Rudolph." Well guy who talks to his computer screen you are going to be one of the many naive people that he exacts his revenge upon. The only reason the Bumble turns over a new leaf is because Hermie the Elf removes all of his teeth. So like any smart monster he "falls in line" and helps with the Christmas decorating. All of that toy making and tinsel hanging takes alot out of elves. And what better chance to bash their little heads in then when they're in the throws of coma induced by light hanging and gallons of eggnog. Open your eyes people, he's the Ted Bundy of Christmas.

#4. The Heat Miser
The Heat Miser isn't creepy until you analyze his lifestyle. A short, pudgy, flamboyant man with a passion for musical theater, glitter speckled tights, and tiny clones of himself that live amongst him in his flame based throne room. Gary Glitter had some of the same quirks and look at him now, he's on a perpetual flight path somewhere over Thailand. Also the fact that he wouldn't allow a town to have a single snow day to save Christmas makes him a huge dick.

#3. Karl
Amongst all of the explosions, gunfire, jokes, balls-out action, and Clarence Gilyard Jr. it's easy to see how many people don't consider Die Hard to be a Christmas movie, but it is. Karl is on this list not only because he is a maelstrom of terror and murder incarnate, but mainly for the fact that he has the neck strength to withstand being hung from a chain like a sturgeon in a Russian market and still come back at the end to try to exact his revenge on John McClane. Fortunately Carl Winslow filled his lungs with 9mm rounds, thus keeping him from coming into our homes and stomping on our presents. Merry Christmas mother

#2. The Narrator
Nobody with eyes like a baby deer and a personality as bright as the sun should be trusted. Especially if they're extremely talented dancers and know tons of stories, that are clearly used to entertain children. The Narrator from 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' is extremely unnerving if you stare at him for too long, and probably can make you sterile if you stand within 5 feet of him. If you ever meet someone who is overly friendly and you get the feeling that they're hiding a horrible secret chances are you're right. You think it's all innocent fun listening to him spin a yarn while you're surrounded by cute critters, then next thing you know you're locked in a basement with a chain around your ankle.

#1. The Krampus
Leave it to Austria to conjure up the most nightmarish Christmas creature in history. In Germanic folklore the Krampus traveled beside Santa Claus during his sleigh ride around the globe delivering cheer to good little girls and boys. What if you were naughty though? Well that's where the Krampus comes in. The Krampus would visit the homes of little bastards at night (breaking and entering) and deliver his own brand of punishment to wicked children by taking them from their beds (kidnapping), and whipping them across their back's with a handful of dry and pointy reeds (assault). That alone is terrifying, not to mention that it looks like something Clive Barker would imagine when he's tired and horny. So next time you're watching Sound of Music and think the Von Trapp Family is so adorable, just remember that those weird little pod children probably believed in this freak.

Currently Listening To: Incinerate -- Sonic Youth

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